Drawn Into a Shell

What a relief it was to be finally back home on a hot summer day. Rina was pleased to have the cool sensation of getting into an air-conditioned house from the furnace that was outside. It was a Friday evening and she had the entire weekend to look forward to now. But more importantly, she was excited about the party that she was hosting that night. A few of her college friends were in town and it was a kind of get together for all of them. It would be great, meeting your friends after 4 long years. How nice it would be to behave like college kids again!

"I am glad you are back. It was getting lonely here." said Rohan from the kitchen.

"Yes, I am back little brother. But we have less time. We need to prepare fast for tonight's party."

"You have to prepare, don't include me."

"Why do you have to behave like an asshole every time Rohan? Try and enjoy yourself for a change. It would be fun, I guarantee you. You will like these people. Even our cousin Atul is coming. And weren't you just saying that you were feeling lonely?"

"You know I don't like meeting people. Why do you always try to force me to? You have a good time with your friends, I will try to enjoy myself in my room." Rohan went into his room and locked the door.

How she wished she could get him out of his shell. Ever since their parents had died in that terrible car crash, Rohan had withdrawn completely from the world. Rina was in her final year of college and the trauma had taken its toll on both of them. She took up a job and along with it the responsibility of caring for her younger brother who would not talk much since. However much she tried, she could not get him to talk about what he was going through. She was suggested to try psychiatric help, but Rohan refused violently and she decided it was best to try herself. With his constantly changing moods, their extended family also kept their distance from them. Even though Rina was protective of her brother and would not abandon him at any cost, she also yearned for a social life outside of the house. She would not date fearing how that would affect Rohan's condition. That was one of the reasons she had organized the party, the other being trying to get Rohan to socialize a bit. The latter part would not be so easy, she realized now.

***

Everybody came home by 8 pm. Atul had called to inform Rina that he would be a bit late since he was stuck in a traffic jam. Clinton, Samir, Prerna and Tanvi arrived together loaded with booze and snacks and it looked all set to be a great night.

"You have no idea how good it feels to see all of you after so long. Man, we have a lot to catch up on." Rina said, welcoming them into her modest home.

"Anything for some drinks and free food, Rina. Smell's good and my appetite is even better." said Clinton. 

"Still the same forever hungry man, eh Clint? Haven't grown up yet?" asked Prerna.

"Why change perfection?" Clinton replied with that mischievous smile.

"Yeah right. An engineering graduate who is now singing full time in city clubs. How perfect is that?" Samir asked.

"At least it is more perfect than doing MBA after engineering and then sitting in a bank counting money."

"Guys, if you are done with your bickering, our host is also present here." Tanvi turned to Rina. "How have you been girl?"

"Not too bad actually. The new job is keeping me a bit busy these days, but things are way better now."

"I remember how bad it was after the accident." Prerna held Rina's hand. "You have come a long way, and you did it all on your own. How about we drink to that now, eh?"

The bottles were popped open and everybody relaxed on the couch and chairs with their glasses.

"Is it just us or are we expecting more people too?" asked Samir.

"Well, its us, and my cousin Atul who stays a few kilometers away. He would be a bit late since he is stuck in a jam. The city traffic is too horrible."

"Remember the time when we were caught riding triple on Prerna's scooty? How innocent we had acted with the cops and got away with just a warning."

"Thats right Tanvi. You girls have an advantage over guys where that is concerned. Just imagine if the same had happened to us. Damn, my guess is we would have to pay double the fine. And they say that women are oppressed in this country."

"Hey you have a brother too right Rina? What is he doing now?"

"What do I know. He has become a recluse since that accident. Right now he is sitting in his room doing God alone knows what. I will try getting him out."

Rina kept her glass on the table and knocked Rohan's door. There was no response.

She opened it and went inside. He was lying on the bed covered in a blanket. 

"Hey are you sleeping?" she asked him gently.

"No I am dancing." Rohan snapped back.

"You don't have to be rude every time, you know" 

"Why do you ask stupid questions every time?"

"My friends are sitting outside, and they were asking for you, so I just thought I will call you."

"Tell them I am not here."

***

Atul knocked on the door of Rina's apartment. Not that late, he thought, considering the traffic that he was stuck in. The door was opened by an unfamiliar person.

"Is Rina there?" he asked.

"Yeah, she is inside. You must be Atul right? I am Clinton." 

Atul shook hands and entered the house.

"Somebody care to put this ice cream in the freezer? I hope it has not fully melted yet. Horrible jam it was. Nothing moving for miles together."

"Can understand." said Tanvi, taking the ice cream from Atul. "Rina was just telling us that you got delayed because of that."

Why are you hell bent on embarrassing me in front of everybody. Why does it hurt you so much just to come out and say hello?

The sound was coming from inside. Everybody's attention turned to the door.

Why is it that every single time I have to plead and yell my head off trying to convince you and you don't give a damn? I too need a break sometimes. You always think about yourself. Why won't you consider meeting other people, maybe for a few minutes, if it would make me happy and bring a smile on my face?

Atul brushed aside everybody and went to the room. The door was closed.

"Rina open the door. Its me Atul."

"I am sorry for shouting Atul. But Rohan is once again acting like an ass."

"You open the door. I will talk to him."

The door opened and a flustered Rina came out. Her hair was mangled and there were tears all over her face.

"Why does he have to do this everytime, Atul?"

Atul hugged her tight.

"You need to lie down a bit now. Take your pills and sleep. Don't worry about anything. I will take care of your friends. You just rest."

***

Atul took a sip of the drink. It made him feel warm.

"Whats between Rina and her brother?" Samir asked.

"Its a tough thing to explain. When the past comes to haunt you, its very difficult to identify it. It comes in various forms and you don't know when it hits you."

"I don't get you." Prerna said.

"Let me try to explain. What do you guys know about the accident in which Rina lost her parents?"

"We know that it was a car crash and the fuel tank of their car caught fire and her parents were burnt to death. Rina was in college with us and it was very hard on her."

"Did you also know that her brother, Rohan was in the car with them?"

"What? So that means he survived the crash? He saw his own parents getting burnt?"

"No, he didn't."

"He didn't see his parents burn?"

"No. I mean he did not survive the crash."

***

The Termite in the Wood

Jerry was lying on his bed, filled with dread and anticipation of what was coming. He hated it when his mother was away from home, not because he felt lonely, but because he would be left all alone with his stepfather. Light streaked into his room as the door opened and the big man entered. Instinctively, Jerry's legs folded upwards and he held them tightly in a fetal position. He was shivering. The big man came and sat beside Jerry's bed.

"Are you feeling cold, my boy?"

Jerry curled up even tighter.

"Don't worry, your mother will be home by tomorrow evening. Till then I will take good care of you."

He stroked Jerry's hair. The shivering increased as the hand moved slowly from the head to his back. He patted his back for several moments.

"Do you want to come with me into my room, boy?" he asked Jerry. A few tears rolled down Jerry's cheeks. The big man gently lifted the shivering child and took him to his room.

********

Robert let out a huge sigh of relief as he finished pitching the tent. It was a long hike through the hill and forest and they had reached the water hole at last after walking for close to five hours. 

Victor was a young and athletic man who could give any fitness freak a run for their money. Robert liked Victor ever since he had interviewed him for an analyst position for his finance company. This guy had a tremendous amount of confidence and energy. Robert had predicted that if Victor could channelize his passion and zeal properly, then he was sure to go places. Under Robert's mentoring, Victor blossomed into an asset for the firm and was now indispensable for them. Robert wanted to share some good news with Victor, but wanted to do it informally before making the actual public announcement. He invited Victor for a hiking cum hunting trip in this popular water-hole where he planned to break the news while gathering some good game.

Victor put down the tools and laid himself down on the cool ground of the forest.

"This is what I call a job well done, boss."

"That's what you get when you have the perfect blend of experience and youth."

"You call yourself old, boss? Sometimes I feel older than you." 

"Stop buttering me kid. You don't need to. I wanted to discuss something important with you. But before that get a couple of beers from the icebox first. Both of us can afford to relax now."

Victor went inside the tent where they had kept the icebox, and pulled out two cans of beer.

"So you said you wanted to discuss something important with me?" Victor asked as the liquid spread warmth in their bodies.

"Yes. What have you thought about your future Victor? Where do you want to go from here?" Robert asked.

"Well, as of now I don't feel like going anywhere away from this beautiful place. But once our stocks get over, I guess both of us will have to go back to the city."

"I was talking about your career, kid."

"I know, boss. I don't keep any long term plan, you know. As long as I can pay my bills and feed my family and enjoy the work I do, I guess I would be happy."

"What do you think about being a partner in the firm?"

"Are you kidding me boss? I have been with you for just six years. There are people who have been there longer."

"Yes, there are many more experience people. But none are as innovative or energetic as you. I don't want the company that I built to stagnate. I can only take it so far, I need someone who has the will and passion to take it even higher. And I think I know who that someone is."

"Woah. I mean, it really feels great that you feel like that, boss. If you think I can do it, then maybe I can. Cheers to you!"

"And another news is that the papers are all ready and signed back in the office. We just need to make the announcement. So, cheers to you!"

The beer cans clanged together.

"You know, boss, my mother would have been really proud. I miss her so much."

"Yes she would be. I can assure you that she is very proud of you right now, wherever she is. You never talk much about your family, do you? I mean in the past six years, this is the first time I have heard you talking about her. What about your father?"

"I lost my father when I was a little kid. My mother married another man after that. He is still living, but not for long."

"What do you mean? He's got some ailment or something?"

"No boss, he is pretty fit and fine."

Victor picked up a piece of wood lying next to him.

"You know, boss, wood has always fascinated me. I mean, this is a natural organic thing, but it still remains so strong even if the living thing it was a part of is long dead. And it remains strong until you allow it to remain strong."

"I can't see the point you are trying to make." Robert said.

"The point is, we are like this wood. We can remain strong even if the soul is dead. We still remain alive. But then we all have the termites inside us. These termites eat us from inside. They sap whatever strength we have left and leave us brittle."

"Is it you talking or the beer talking? I still don't understand what you are trying to say."

"It is neither Victor, nor the beer talking, boss. It is a little kid called Jerry, whose soul was ripped apart twenty five years back."

Robert looked at Victor with shock. But before he could say anything, the block of wood landed on his face and he fell unconscious.

When he regained consciousness, it was night and a bright moon was out. Robert's head hurt very bad from the blow. But that was not the only body part that was hurting him. He was tied to a tree and could not move. He looked down and found his groin filled with blood. There was a letter stuck to his thighs, and the moonlight enabled him to read it.

Dear Boss,

I hope you are feeling great. I hope I have made you as comfortable as you made me many years back. The Jerry in me died a long time back, thanks to you. I ran away from home that time so that Jerry could die and Victor could be born. By now you must have discovered that the tools you used to destroy Jerry have gone missing and it is all a bloody mass left there. I do hope that the animals of the forest like the taste of your blood. Your tools have been strategically placed to help them find their meal for the night.

Thank you so much for all the guidance that you have provided Victor, the result of which I am now a partner in the firm that YOU created. But a partner is someone who shares ownership with another person right? But what if the other person is lying in the belly of some wild animal? I guess the partner can become the owner.

Thank you for your faith in me. I hope I have returned you the favor.

As a parting note, if you ever get born again, which I definitely hope not, I hope that your soul remembers this lesson and does not become a termite for another Jerry.

Regards,

Your once-upon-a-time stepson,

Jerry

******

Note: This story is not fully original and is based somewhat on a short story titled "Triangle" written by Jefferey Deaver in his book "Twisted".

I Was Only Having a Gulaab Jamun

So I just happened to take a look at my blog the other day, and found some fungus developing. Right now the stories for the blog have kind of taken a back seat since I am exploring another aspect, i.e converting the stories into a visual form. I have no idea if I can do a good or even a decent job for it, but I have always dreamed of trying it out one day. So while I try my hand at it, I just thought of sharing a small story/article I had written a few years back. Hopefully the point I want to make can go through.

Dear Ma,

I really miss you. I wanted to meet you so badly today, to share the news that I had topped my 5th standard class. I was so happy, and I know you would have been too. I wanted to hug you the moment I saw my report card. I felt like talking to you at that time, but I know we cannot afford a phone right now. I promised myself that I would, one day become a big man, someone successful and drive away our poverty. I would become a doctor/engineer and then you would not have to clean other people's houses or wash their dishes. I would build us a new house and you would live like a queen. I won't let Baba come inside the house. Let him go and drink himself to death. I would be big and I would stop him from hurting you anymore. We would be so happy, just you and me away from all worries and strife.

I was really happy Ma. Dinu got the second rank and we decided to go to have some sweets to celebrate. I know you had told me to come straight home Ma, but I was so happy that I really felt like eating something sweet and I knew that you would be tired after your chores to prepare something. I was also going to bring you some. I had saved all the pocket money you had managed to give me. We had gone to a mithai-wala near the railway station where there is always a crowd. You remember that place Ma? We had gone there to buy me new shoes when I had joined school. We were just eating Gulab Jamun Ma, me and Dinu. We weren't troubling anybody. Everybody was so happy. But then why???????

Why did they blast us Ma? I never hit them or took any of their stuff, then why did they take my life away from me? I just wanted to grow up and do something to make you proud. I wasn't going to hurt anybody. All my dreams have crashed and all your aspirations have gone with the smoke. What did we do to deserve such a fate Ma? Why was I killed when as you say, there are many bad people in this world who hurt others, why weren't they hurt or killed? All the people there looked happy. You always said God loves his children especially those who live happily and do not hurt others. God loved me when I got my report card, so why did he suddenly hate me when I was celebrating just that Ma?

I am sorry Ma. I am sorry because I did not listen to you and did not come straight home. I am sorry because I won't be now able to fulfill all those promises of happiness that I made to you. I am sorry because I won't be able to stop Baba when he hits you. Will you forgive me, Ma?

Yours lovingly,

One of the souls of the victims of 13/7/2011 blasts

I Have a Dream!

I had a dream yesterday night.

It was dark and my both hands were tied to poles on either side. They were tied too tightly. I could not move them. My feet were bound together, so I could not move them either. It was a cold night and I was stark naked without any piece of cloth to cover any part of my body. I felt vulnerable. I was struggling with all the strength that I had, but it was of no use. And then they came....

I don't know who they were. They were fully covered in dark grey coats. I could not see their faces because they were covered in hoods. There were three of them menacingly coming towards me. I tried to scream, but one of them covered my mouth. They smelled bad. I had a sudden urge to vomit. The others started exploring my body, touching me where I did not want to be touched. I felt like a tiny pebble in the sea, rolling away with the wave, having no control over where I was going. They took a black cloth and blindfolded me. Now I could only feel their horrible presence, not see. One of them said that they can experiment on me. The others laughed, I could feel their happiness as any sense of control that was left in me was being taken away. They took a rod and inserted it in my rectum. I scream, but the scream never left my mouth. I was gagged. The rod went deeper, cutting through me as it went. My body was being damaged, why, I don't know. But it wasn't the bodily damage that hurt more. It was the feeling of helplessness where I wanted to resist but wasn't able to that was worse. 

I woke up suddenly with my face full of sweat and my heart beating very fast. It took me a while to realize that it was all a dream and that my body was still intact. A few gulps of water helped calm down my pulse and I slept again.

Now just this dream was enough to shake me up and make me write about it. But recently this ghastly dream was a reality to a poor girl in Delhi, the nation woke up, but very soon went back to sleep. After all who has the time to ponder upon the problems of the common man!

A few days back I was disturbed by the attention given by the media to the suicide case of the main accused in the infamous Delhi rape. A suicide by a self-confessed culprit woke up our so-called leaders to set up "inquiry" commission to look into these "security lapses". It is with great sadness that I note that a similar prompt action was lacking when a common human being was brutally raped and murdered. I won't even call it murder, it was much worse. I will equate this to the inhuman crimes committed by Nazis and Japanese military during WWII. Am I exaggerating?

Our media also conveniently forgets the main issues that need to be highlighted, and our news channels are now bombarded with discussions on whether Rahul Gandhi will remain a bachelor for the rest of his life. Has the media forgotten the power it has to change the nation? It did not forget this power when they brutally followed up the Jessica Lal murder case and proved to the country that even if witnesses turn hostile and powerful people are accused, our Judiciary can still work. Can we expect a similar commitment for a powerful anti-rape law that would enforce stricter punishments?

It is a fact that the law alone cannot change the attitude of the country. Only when each and every one of us pictures himself/herself as the victim, will the things take turn for the better. I read a very nice conversation on social media about a guy telling his female friend about his experience in a taxi ride which he shared with a homo-sexual male. The co-passenger was touching him in a manner which he felt uncomfortable. The female friend then calmly explained that that was what all women go through each and every day. Every man is either totally harmless or a potential rapist. 

In a way I feel it is good that the brave girl (aptly named Nirbhaya by our media) did not survive this ordeal. Consider the scenario if she had. The society would practically ostracize her for being a victim. Even if her family supported her, the society would make sure that she is reminded of her trauma each and every moment of her remaining life. This would keep going till either she turns mad or commits suicide. Nobody keeps reminding the culprit that he was a perverted loser who felt that this was the only way he could show that he was more powerful. Nobody refuses to hang out with the rapists after they have committed the crime. Sadly it is just the opposite with the victims.

Apart from this dream that shook me up, I have another dream which I dream every single moment. I dream that one day I would be able to walk any street in my country without fear of getting robbed or murdered. I dream that one day, everybody will realize that you receive only as much respect as you give, that life is too short to spend it hating anybody. I dream that one day, all of us would realize our true potential and achieve the greatness that has been long denied to us.

So at the end of another rant, I bid adieu to all those who managed to read till the end. May be one day we all would be truly safe and happy! 

Little Karen

Jane had woken up very early that day. After all, it was her Karen's first day at school and she wanted everything to be perfect. A single unmarried mother, Jane had come a long way since her boyfriend abandoned her after she was pregnant. Outcast from her family, she had to fend for herself, and for her child. The world is a harsh place for anybody to live on their own, and being a pregnant woman, Jane had learnt it the hard way. And she had fought the odds and won. Taking care of Karen along with doing the odd jobs for survival had robbed Jane of her youth, but she had no regrets. The faintest smile and the smallest chuckle from her little daughter was more than sufficient to drown all the weariness that she felt. They had carved their own lives together, Jane and Karen. A little world for themselves which none of the wolves outside could penetrate. 

No, she wasn't going to let the bad memories of the days gone by to spoil this day. Her Karen had now grown up and would be taking her first step into the outside world without her mother for the first time. Nothing should spoil this day, for this was their day. Karen was very excited about going to school. Since Jane kept Karen with herself most of the time, Karen didn't really have many friends of her own. She was looking forward to meeting other people of her age and making friends. 

As she readied Karen for her big day, Jane marveled at her creation. Hardly a few years ago, she would not have thought this to be possible. Some days she had to go without food which was very hard to get considering her meagre income. There was this constant fear that they would not survive their ordeal. The nagging guilt that she was not able to provide her daughter with the basic necessities in the most formative years of her life. But the bad time had passed. From crashing at one friend's place to another, now they had rented their own little apartment, a home they could call their own. Jane had a steady job which paid her enough to live comfortably. She had finally proved to the big bad world, and more so to herself, that she could survive on her own. That a single woman outcast by her own society could survive, and survive well.

Jane walked with Karen the small distance between their home and the school. Karen held her mother's finger with her tiny hand and walked along. The excitement was apparent in her footsteps. Her eyes were brightly lit up and she was looking forward to meeting new people. The air was cool, the sun was out and it was a perfect day. Jane looked down at her chirpy daughter and a tear went down her cheek. Maybe this is what happiness really was.

They stood together outside the classroom. It was finally time to say goodbye for a few hours. For the very first time, Karen would be without her mother or any familiar face for a few hours. As the excited Karen let go of her mother's hand, Jane felt an emptiness around her. Would her child be alright without her looking over? More so, would Jane be able to manage without those tiny fingers curled around her finger? Suddenly she did not want Karen to leave. School can wait a few months more. 

The teacher came over to Jane and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"She would be just fine. Don't you worry." said the teacher.

Going against her maternal instincts, Jane turned around and walked out. The tears were increasingly becoming uncontrollable. This was not correct she felt. Something was terribly wrong. Her heart pulled her back, but the brain urged her to walk away. Is she old enough to be on her own, albeit for a few hours?

The weather had changed. It was cloudy outside now. There was a gloomy feel to the entire climate. It was just not right. Wasn't this supposed to be her happiest day? Even the weather gods weren't helping cheer her up. There was a loud clap of thunder. It sounded more like a gun-shot. Then there was another, and somehow the clouds were all too excited. Too many thunders all around. Or were they really thunders? Why was it not raining when there were so many thunders. Did thunders really sound so much like gun fire?

Jane turned around and looked back at the school. All she saw were screaming children running  out in total chaos. She yelled Karen's name and ran towards the building but strong hands held her back, not letting her go to her Karen and rescue her.

"Control yourself Jane, let us get you inside now." someone said.

But Jane was not going to relent so easily. Her Karen was in grave danger.

"Come on Jane, it's about to rain now. The time for outdoor activity is over." they repeated.

The two pairs of strong hands lifted her off the ground and carried her inside the building. The mental health care facility was a big place and they had to walk for several minutes till they reached her room where she was sedated and allowed to sleep. Next to her bed, on the table was a newspaper clipping which read 

"Twenty children and six adult staff members killed in a shooting incident.  A twenty year old man carrying a gun trespassed into the school premises and began shooting randomly .................. "

The Day I First Met Her

I was waiting for the bus that day. The sun beating down, and a few drops of sweat trickling down my face. It was one of those usual boring days. I checked my watch. The bus would be arriving any time now. Little did my bored self know then that that day would change my life forever.

"Excuse me, could you tell me what time it is?" I heard a voice say. I looked back at her and I felt my heart skip a beat. Never before had I seen anybody as beautiful.

"Hello, I am asking you for the time." she repeated.

I gathered my senses.

"It is almost 8:30 am." I replied. "You waiting for a bus?"

"No, I am waiting for a  plane at a bus stop. What are you, an old man?" she snapped.

"I was just trying to make conversation. Sorry for bothering you." 

I felt bad. The first meeting with this lady was not going well. Better luck next time, I told my heart.

The bus arrived soon and both of us got on to it. I was slightly quicker and manage to grab a seat. She came and stood next to my seat. I looked up at her just to catch her stern gaze back. I felt sheepish and took out the newspaper from my bag and began reading it.

"You are totally shameless, aren't you?" she said softly.

"Pardon me. How could you just say something like that?" I asked her. This was getting annoying.

"A lady is going towards a seat and you just come and grab it shamelessly. Don't you have any manners?"

I got up.

"Ok. Just have it and shut up. I don't need to listen to nonsense early in the day."

She sat on my seat with a smile and I went to the other end of the bus. I was boiling inside. How could anybody call me shameless? 

I glanced towards her and she smiled back at me. 

Why? Why do beautiful women have such lovely smiles? 

I tried looking away in another direction, but my gaze always ended up in hers. After about five minutes, the person sitting next to her got up as his destination had come. Smiling beauty looked at me and gestured me to take the now vacant seat. My mind was being torn apart. One part of it wanted to go and sit next to her, the other part was too insulted to accept the invitation. Obviously the first part won the contest and I ended up being seated next to her.

"I am sorry for being rude earlier." She said, flashing that smile which was diminishing my ego continuously.

"Is this sarcasm or honesty speaking?" I asked cautiously. I did not want to get insulted again.

"Take it as a simple sorry. I know I have behaved badly with you and want to apologise. I am Deepa." She extended her hand.

"Apology accepted. I am Rakesh. So may I know the reason behind your attitude, if you don't mind? Just curious since I have been at the receiving end of it since morning."

"You can call it just plain frustration. Things haven't been going my way you know."

"Such as?"

"Such as, my alarm did not go off in the morning which made me skip breakfast in order to catch the bus on time. I ask you the time since I forgot my watch at home and you stare dumbly at me. I get into the bus finally and you grab the sole available seat before me. And work pressures to top that. Who can be in a good mood after that?"

"Me staring dumbly at you? You seriously gotta be kidding me." I said.

"Don't worry, I usually have that effect on guys and I am used to it. And before you get any ideas, let me tell you that I am already married."

"No issues. I'm not interested in dating you, though I must say you are very beautiful and your husband is one lucky guy."

"I wish he would remember that. May be you can tell him if you happen to meet him. He is very forgetful, you know. So where do you work?"

"Still looking for a job actually. I have a degree in journalism and have done a few itsy bitsy pieces here and there. I have an interview with the Times in about two hours, hoping to crack something there. What about you?"

"Now you have to be joking. Are you sure you haven't been stalking me?"

"What do you mean? I was waiting at the bus stop first, remember?"

"I am assistant to the chief editor in Times and I am headed the same way. So here's the deal. I will buy some breakfast for both of us and then we can go to the office together. Let me complete my apology that way."

Now this was too good to be true. This beautiful woman was asking me to have breakfast with her and she worked at the same place that I was going for an interview. Two birds in one shot?

We reached our destination and headed to a nearby cafe. 

"I am really hungry." She said. " What will you be having? A coffee I guess, with maybe some upma? They make it really well here."

"You seem to know my taste very well. Perfect suggestion." I smiled back. Coffee and upma was actually my favourite combination.

"I guess I should, the same way I know how to irritate you." she replied.

"What do you mean you should know?"

"Forget it."

Just then the waiter came and took the order.

We were sitting next to the window of the cafe and the morning sun was streaking in from it right across her face. A cool breeze was blowing that blew her hair softly. With a gentle motion of her fingers, she brushed the loose strands of hair aside and smiled at me.

"You really like me, don't you?" she asked.

"Why do you ask me that? We have just met." I replied.

Her eyes filled up for a split moment and she recovered her composure quickly. The food arrived soon and she busied herself into eating.

"Let me change the topic. Since you were late, why didn't your husband drop you?"

"I wish he would just remember he has a wife for a change. Maybe I should have married you instead."

"What the hell are you saying? It isn't funny if this is your idea of a joke."

"Rakesh, don't do this again please. Don't you remember anything?" Those tears were back again and this time she made no effort to hide them.

"What do you mean?" This was getting weird.

"Don't you remember this place? This was where I took you so many years back when we met for the first time to apologise for being rude. Try to remember Rakesh, please make an effort."

"I think I am having enough of this nonsense. Thank you for the meal, I think I should be going for the interview now."

"Look at yourself Rakesh. Just have a look in the mirror. Do you even think you are young enough for an interview?"

Ironically there was a mirror right across where I was standing. I looked into it. Was my hair really white? Did I actually have those wrinkles on my face?

"Yeah, look into that mirror. Look into it the way you have been looking in it for the past few months. Neither are you going for an interview, nor am I working at the Times. I have been your wife for the past 54 years. I know the ailment is eating your memory, but try to remember something please!"

A sharp pain emerged in my head. Everything looked too bright, so much that I could not keep my eyes open. I closed my eyes. The pain kept on increasing and it spread to the rest of my body which could not hold me any longer. I fell on the floor grabbing my head with both hands. Images were flooding in my brain. A much younger me graduating from college. Me receiving the best journalist award. Me looking into the eyes of my newly-wed bride. Me holding the tiny hands of a baby girl, my daughter. It was too much to bear. I tried opening my eyes, everything was blurred. I could make out Deepa leaning over me telling me to hold on. Those eyes were familiar. I had seen them on my wedding day. I could make out some white clothed men holding me up and taking me somewhere. Somebody held my palm, and this time I did not need anybody telling me who it was.

"Deepa......... " my voice trailed off.

**********************************

It was a normal day. I woke up early in the morning and made myself some light breakfast. I had an interview that day and I wanted to reach the office before time to make a good first impression. As usual, I walked to the bus stop and was waiting for the bus, when a hand tapped my shoulder and asked,

"Excuse me, could you tell me what time it is?"

I looked back at her and I felt my heart skip a beat. Never before had I seen anybody as beautiful.

Outside the Comfort Zone

This blog of mine has been neglected too much. If it was a wife, then I would have been divorced long back. But thankfully blogs are much better, they remain faithful and as they were when you last saw them. So what was I up to?? Nothing much, other than packing as much stuff as I could into as many suitcases as I could hope to carry on an international flight. Taking as much of my country with me as an airline would allow me to. And as expected, it wasn’t enough. Once reaching Arizona, I was getting adjusted to the arid and hot weather, the usual apartment hunting tensions and once everything was done, I was busy having a gala time with all the university welcome events which are like almost everyday.

So, if I am enjoying myself so much, where did I find the time to attend to this blog of mine? My relationship with my blog has been a typical one that a person has with their boyfriend/girlfriend. There’s the initial excitement at discovering something new, then you show people what you have, and enjoy the sight of their awestruck faces (a bit exaggerated), you take in the compliments and ignore the criticism. Then comes the stage where you are comfortable with it and get used to it. There isn’t anything new to discover. So you start neglecting it, and when you are at your loneliest, it again comes to your rescue. I love my blog, maybe because I may have poured so much of myself into it, more than I have done with any person. So here I am, whether I like it or not, posting once more, hopefully for the better. And no, I still haven’t come up with a story but hopefully the block would pass and I would be back with the usual fiction.

Getting used to another country, a totally different culture has been a real adventure. Some of the old followers of this blog might recall one of my earlier post titled Cast Away, where I had posted about my first experience away from home into a hostel. It is the post closest to my heart since it was all totally true and heartfelt. Today I am writing a similar one, but this time the person writing it is 6 years older than what he was during Cast Away, and this decision of going far away from home to pursue my dreams has been a calculated one and wasn’t hurried like that time.

So how is USA? That’s the first thing people ask me. I say it is a really good place. I see more discipline here as compared to my own home country. The people are more well-mannered and polite. No job is a shameful job here. For example, the maintenance guy in my apartment complex owns a car and drives down to Las Vegas every weekend, and cleans the swimming pool, sweeps the complex, does the repair work in the apartments during the weekdays. The people here take their job seriously. Another thing I really admire here is the traffic discipline. I have rarely heard a car honking even in the most horrible traffic jam. In a jam, there’s a difference of at least 4 metres between every car, unlike in India where a jam means all cars are sticking their noses up the front car’s rear end.

Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my country. I do. I miss the utter chaos, I miss the crowds and obviously I miss the food. Luckily for me, my mother had made sure that all her children are comfortable in the kitchen and can cook for themselves right from childhood. It used to feel a real pain to be helping Mom in the kitchen when we were kids, but I can see, or rather feel the dividends of that training now. In this country, where we keep converting the dollars into rupees mentally, it is very difficult to survive without cooking yourself at home. It is way too expensive to eat outside and even then the food here is not easily digested by our gut which used to spicy food. There are Indian restaurants but imagine having to pay $10 for a plate of daal-chawal.

The best thing about staying away from home is that one learns to appreciate his/her parents. You realize that it is not easy managing a daily routine all by yourself. But then, our mothers easily manage the entire family’s routine, don’t they? You realize that keeping a hold on your expenditure is very difficult, but Dad does it without any problem right? You realize that your cooking doesn’t taste all that great, but then you used to crib about your mom’s preparations (not in my case, I was told right in the beginning that if I crib, I would have to do it all myself).

It is very difficult staying all on your own, even if you are with friends. More so, if you are in a foreign country where the culture is totally alien. Initially it is the awe that you feel when seeing something you’ve never seen before. Then is the acceptance stage, where you decide that you are going to like this place since you are going to be here for a few years anyway. Next is the homesickness, especially when you start missing the home-made food, so you dig into the reserves packed into your bags. Once the reserves finish, then there are the desperate calls home to ask for simple recipes which don’t turn out as they are supposed to, however much you try.

And once all this is past, you realize that life cannot be more awesome. It’s awesome to be on your own. You are more willing to take chances and experiment. You are away from your usual peers, so there is more scope to develop new aspects in your personality without the fear of being ridiculed. Your horizons are widened; life is calling you with open arms, with a platter of opportunities laid out for you. Yes, the entire platter is for you. You may not be able to finish all of it. You have to choose. And the choice you make would define your entire life. You make mistakes, you learn from them. Some situations sweep you off your feet, you learn to retain your balance. You get overwhelmed, but your upbringing gets you back on track. If not for anything else, I love Christopher Nolan’s Batman series for one tiny dialogue, which literally defines every human being’s life.

“Why do we fall, sir? So that we could learn to lift ourselves up.”

I just read all that I have written. This makes me wonder, did I really have to leave my country to realize all this? No, not really. Then it struck me, was it just now that I realized that life was waiting for me, or had I known it all along, under the mental stacks of self doubt and low confidence? Yes, I knew that I was destined for something big, something I may have never imagined when I built my first Hydro-electric generator at the age of 16. I knew that if I could build something like that all on my own, I could do whatever I set my mind to. Then came the stage where I made it to the prestigious NIT. I struggled all those four years. I discovered myself more through those struggles than any other way. Luckily for me I had a rock solid family that never let the self doubts go above dangerous levels, they made me understand that a creature meant for flying should not be afraid to walk, and this is what has defined me.

As I am at the beginning of another marvelous phase of my life, a new platter laid out before me, I would like to tell you all one thing. Somebody who has never tried anything new in his/her life, somebody who has always been afraid of taking risks, afraid of falling, that somebody can never support you when you want to take a plunge into the deep sea. Don’t fear getting hurt, time heals all the wounds. Don’t fear falling, for there will always be someone to give a hand in case you can get up yourself. And most importantly, never ever hurt those who are close to you. Your ego will be forever with you, but it may not be the same with people. Choose what you value more.

So at the end of a random post, I would like to tell you all that I might have thought of a new short story for the next one. The writer’s block is slowly melting………………………………….